Technology replaces conversations at breakfast |
With
the smart phone, I can get triple the amount of communication work I need done
responding to emails and texts, schedule appointments, answering questions,
producing proposals and managing employees, while seeking directions for my
next meeting, planning dinner for my family, checking in with my kids, touching
base with my husband and also having the time to text some of my friends to
wish them well, and catch up on what all of my 300+ friends in the nation are
up to through their Facebook posts and pictures.
Am
I addicted?
I
don’t know, but just a minute I have to find my phone….where’s my
phone?!? Call it someone because I NEED it.
How
often do we find ourselves, our kids in this state?
The
anxiety of not having our phones on and within reach has become
commonplace. We are constantly distracted by the need to respond to the
texts, go on Facebook, check updates and earn points on Angry Bird; and this
distraction is definitely changing the way we interact with each other.
While
this technology has its place, it has no place taking the place of our
relationships with the important people in our lives.
This
is something that I have become acutely aware of as I often attempt to connect
to my young adult teens through a face-to-face conversation and I often have
try to have it with no eye-contact because they have their heads down focused on
their phones. Even when they attempt to put it down after I ask them too,
they can’t keep their eyes from looking over continuously as if it is a life or
death requirement to be ready to respond. For me at times, it has taken the
place of conversation with my husband as I scroll through the news feed on
Facebook finding ways to entertain and connect with my cyber friends. I
can think of more times while my family of four all sat at the dinner table
eating and texting. The opportunity to connect as a family was
lost.
Network-centric
living can cause internal “disconnects”
It
is probably clear to anyone with a smart-phone enabled family, the need to be
attached to our mobile devices 24/7 makes the network the center of our daily
life distracting us further from the real relationships we need to nurture and
develop. This need to always respond when our phone buzzes stands in the
way of being present in the moment.
What’s
missing for many of our cyber connected kids is that while they may be able to
carry on several conversations at a time while attending a concert with other
friends, they are missing out on all of the nuances of body language,
animation, inflections and physical contact that come with conversations you
have face-to-face. So much happens in just the tone of our voice, the
look in an eye, a smile that says so much that all gets missed in texting.
So while our kids are out with us or other kids, they still choose to talk to
those they aren’t even with – again missing the opportunity to connect with
what’s in front of them. They simply have not been trained to do it, and
they have no idea what it looks like.
When
I jumped on the band wagon and texted my kids to talk and found out what all
the fuss was about, I was surprised to find myself also filling any quiet time
I had scrolling down Facebook, instead of reading, or texting my friends to check
in with them, instead of calling them on the phone or meet them. While in
some cases it is easier and seemingly time efficient, it is lonely, and not
nearly as satisfying as looking someone in the eye, hugging them, and focusing
on what is being said and shared.
Mindful
communication outside the network
As
I contemplated this dilemma, I realized that regardless of how kids connect,
and how often, that isn’t going to change, but what could be different is what
they say when they do connect and in that process develop deeper more
meaningful ways to share, connect and talk that feeds the universal human need
to “matter”. There is only so much you can say to tell people they matter
via text, or email, but there are many more ways to show them. By discussing
what these are with our kids we might have a chance to coach them into
recognizing the power of being present, the warmth of eye contact, or the value
of smiling as people walk by, greeting strangers with a hello or good morning,
not just as a tweet, but as they walk past them in the street or stand in line
for coffee.
Encourage
kids to avoid cynicism and instead inspire others with a good attitude or
brighter perspective and deliver happiness. Fuel their motivations
through encouragement and hope, reassure them, and notice them. Try not
to begin your sentences with “me” or “I” but instead end or begin your positive
statements with you – “I believe in you”, “You are awesome”, “I hear you”, “You
rocked it”, “I understand you”, “You matter!”
And
when you listen, listen with interest.
That
means put the cell phone down, turn it off or on silent and listen with your
ears and your heart. When you can focus and listen with deep
interest it signifies that you really care about what someone is saying.
When you care, the questions you ask tell them they matter like “What rocked
your day today?” Offer hope by being positive, use your power to lift the
spirits of someone you care about by not spreading negativity – choose to bring
them up instead of bring them down. Make someone’s day --- “I think you
are amazing”. Whenever you can take the time to tell the people in your
life how you feel about them and let them know they matter – “I so appreciate
you.”
Hilarious family portrait used for Christmas Card! |
If
we can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, but join ‘em with purpose.
Joanna
Jullien, my friend and author of Banana Moments, a web-based resource for
parenting in the network culture, has observed this challenge in her fieldwork
and journalism. She features the following concerns for cyber safety that
address an emotional and psychological alignment problem for network-centric
living:
Top cyber safety concerns (source:
www.Bananamoments.com)
- General
disconnect between children, parents and families
- Over-dependence
upon friends and friend communities as a point of reference for life
- Pedophiles
access to children
- Easy
access to drugs and alcohol
- Degrading
values, norms and beliefs of popular culture reinforced as truth
- Anxiety,
depression, unrest
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