Distracted Living; The Importance of "Mattering"

Technology replaces conversations at breakfast 

I love technology!  In business and personally having the technology of a smart phone has changed the way I communicate in some very profound ways.  My capacity to multi-task was good before the smart phone and now it is on hyper drive. And now I question whether the new found efficiency trumps real relationships.

With the smart phone, I can get triple the amount of communication work I need done responding to emails and texts, schedule appointments, answering questions, producing proposals and managing employees, while seeking directions for my next meeting, planning dinner for my family, checking in with my kids, touching base with my husband and also having the time to text some of my friends to wish them well, and catch up on what all of my 300+ friends in the nation are up to through their Facebook posts and pictures. 

Am I addicted? 

I don’t know, but just a minute I have to find my phone….where’s my phone?!?  Call it someone because I NEED it. 

How often do we find ourselves, our kids in this state?

The anxiety of not having our phones on and within reach has become commonplace.  We are constantly distracted by the need to respond to the texts, go on Facebook, check updates and earn points on Angry Bird; and this distraction is definitely changing the way we interact with each other.  

While this technology has its place, it has no place taking the place of our relationships with the important people in our lives.   

This is something that I have become acutely aware of as I often attempt to connect to my young adult teens through a face-to-face conversation and I often have try to have it with no eye-contact because they have their heads down focused on their phones.  Even when they attempt to put it down after I ask them too, they can’t keep their eyes from looking over continuously as if it is a life or death requirement to be ready to respond. For me at times, it has taken the place of conversation with my husband as I scroll through the news feed on Facebook finding ways to entertain and connect with my cyber friends.  I can think of more times while my family of four all sat at the dinner table eating and texting.  The opportunity to connect as a family was lost. 

Network-centric living can cause internal “disconnects”

It is probably clear to anyone with a smart-phone enabled family, the need to be attached to our mobile devices 24/7 makes the network the center of our daily life distracting us further from the real relationships we need to nurture and develop.  This need to always respond when our phone buzzes stands in the way of being present in the moment. 

What’s missing for many of our cyber connected kids is that while they may be able to carry on several conversations at a time while attending a concert with other friends, they are missing out on all of the nuances of body language, animation, inflections and physical contact that come with conversations you have face-to-face.  So much happens in just the tone of our voice, the look in an eye, a smile that says so much that all gets missed in texting.  So while our kids are out with us or other kids, they still choose to talk to those they aren’t even with – again missing the opportunity to connect with what’s in front of them.  They simply have not been trained to do it, and they have no idea what it looks like. 

When I jumped on the band wagon and texted my kids to talk and found out what all the fuss was about, I was surprised to find myself also filling any quiet time I had scrolling down Facebook, instead of reading, or texting my friends to check in with them, instead of calling them on the phone or meet them.  While in some cases it is easier and seemingly time efficient, it is lonely, and not nearly as satisfying as looking someone in the eye, hugging them, and focusing on what is being said and shared.  

Mindful communication outside the network

As I contemplated this dilemma, I realized that regardless of how kids connect, and how often, that isn’t going to change, but what could be different is what they say when they do connect and in that process develop deeper more meaningful ways to share, connect and talk that feeds the universal human need to “matter”.  There is only so much you can say to tell people they matter via text, or email, but there are many more ways to show them.  By discussing what these are with our kids we might have a chance to coach them into recognizing the power of being present, the warmth of eye contact, or the value of smiling as people walk by, greeting strangers with a hello or good morning, not just as a tweet, but as they walk past them in the street or stand in line for coffee. 

Encourage kids to avoid cynicism and instead inspire others with a good attitude or brighter perspective and deliver happiness.  Fuel their motivations through encouragement and hope, reassure them, and notice them.  Try not to begin your sentences with “me” or “I” but instead end or begin your positive statements with you – “I believe in you”, “You are awesome”, “I hear you”, “You rocked it”, “I understand you”, “You matter!”

And when you listen, listen with interest. 

That means put the cell phone down, turn it off or on silent and listen with your ears and your heart.   When you can focus and listen with deep interest it signifies that you really care about what someone is saying.  When you care, the questions you ask tell them they matter like “What rocked your day today?” Offer hope by being positive, use your power to lift the spirits of someone you care about by not spreading negativity – choose to bring them up instead of bring them down.  Make someone’s day --- “I think you are amazing”.  Whenever you can take the time to tell the people in your life how you feel about them and let them know they matter – “I so appreciate you.” 

Hilarious family portrait used for Christmas Card!

The language of mattering in universal, in person, in a text or even on line, it’s a great way to open the door to more meaningful connections, it requires focus and commitment and the choice to take the time to do it – whether you say it, write it, tweet it, post it or deliver the message in person.  I believe that this could be one of the most powerful ways to combat the negativity of the distractions of technology and edify the power of our intentions through our words and actions, regardless of what means they are delivered.  

If we can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, but join ‘em with purpose.

Joanna Jullien, my friend and author of Banana Moments, a web-based resource for parenting in the network culture, has observed this challenge in her fieldwork and journalism. She features the following concerns for cyber safety that address an emotional and psychological alignment problem for network-centric living:

Top cyber safety concerns (source: www.Bananamoments.com)

• General disconnect between children, parents and families
• Over-dependence upon friends and friend communities as a point of reference for life
• Pedophiles access to children
• Easy access to drugs and alcohol
• Degrading values, norms and beliefs of popular culture reinforced as truth
• Anxiety, depression, unrest

Read more about distracted living at Banana Moments. 

Distracted Living; Be Smarter Than Your Smart Phone

For more thoughtful topics that affect our families and communities tune into  3 Moms & A Mike

Your Words Become Your Actions? We Are Not Murderers of Children

Even more disturbing than the Newtown massacre of 20 children and six adults at an elementary school, is the trail of headlines about other young men 13-20 years old making comments on Facebook endorsing the violence against the school children.

A 13-year-old in Florida was recently arrested for making threatening comments about shooting everyone at school; in Ohio another 20-year-old was arrested for praising the Connecticut school shooting, and a California man, 24 years old, was also arrested for making threats against LA public schools and referred to the Connecticut school shooting.

Teen Arrested for Threat to Shoot Everyone

Teen Arrested for Praising Netown Shootings on Facebook

Man Arrested in Alleged Threat to LA Schools

And so I am compelled to ask, where does this kind of depraved thinking come from, and why would they even publish it?

Some people say that the supply of guns is to blame. Others will focus on the violence of video games. And yet still others will say that we have to get a better handle on mental illness among our youth. Some people are born with problems, as so eloquently described by Liza Long a writer who described how she struggles with a mentally ill teenager and cannot find decent help, in her article: “ I am Adam Lanza's Mother": It is time to talk about mental health”.  Her point is worthy of serious consideration. 

And it seems to me there are just so many ways power is abused with or without guns - we are living in a society that seems to glorify at the worst, or at the very least, accept violence as a form of entertainment and/or the bully in friendships, romance, workplaces and politics.

What eludes us still, and perhaps deserves more attention is the question of whether the media and our network culture (texting and social media) is conditioning children for less compassion and desensitizing kids about a lot of things - including their own inherent worth, common sense and human decency.

According to the American Medical Association, American Academy of Pediatrics, American Psychological Association, American Academy of Family Physicians and American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry the media violence do affect children’s behavior, attitudes and values. An average child between ages 8 to 18 spends more time in front of the computer, television and game screens than any other activity except sleeping (Huston, 1992).  It is estimated that by the time the average child reaches the sixth grade, they will have seen about 100,000 acts of violence, which will include up to 8,000 simulated murders. 

A study released in 2011 from the Associated Press and MTV, the use of inappropriate language and offensive slurs is common language on the net between teens and they are not offended by discriminatory slang.  An online poll study that interviewed 1,355 youth ages 14-24 were surveyed and said they regularly encounter offensive words including “slut”, “fag” and “retard,” and 71% are more likely to use these kinds of words online.  They use this language because it’s perceived as being cool or funny.  So, it isn’t so farfetched to understand why the 13 year old Florida boy was completely comfortable posting the inappropriate comments endorsing the Newton shootings. It seems that young people aren’t worried about how this kind of content affects others both on line and off.   

Is all this exposure conditioning kids to loosen their boundaries on what’s acceptable to say or share on line?  Are they being conditioned to simply react with the first thing that comes to mind? According to this same poll, four out of ten surveyed had given little or no thought to how their texts or online posts could be passed onto others, and two thirds hadn’t even considered how this content could get them in trouble with either their parents, schools and the law for that matter. 

Are there no more inhibitions? Is the lifestyle we lead today taking away their capacity to think for themselves, discern truth, and communicate responsibly with a purpose?

Having two teenagers of my own, I am wondering about the influence the media, reality TV shows, the open forum of the internet is affecting their own ability to abide by a standard of online safety and respond to situations as responsible digital citizens.

So the question is, how do we help our youth to develop the ability to establish their own individual discernment to solve problems and respond to situations in ways that are edifying, add value and solve problems, as oppose to going along with what the crowd is doing?  How can we help our kids be aware and not fall victim to this “group think” mentality?

***

The Authority in Me, by Joanna Jullien

Perhaps we need to examine in our own homes, with the advent of the Internet in and mobile phones redefining family life, are children today conditioned to lack the appropriate boundaries necessary to a) think correctly about their place and purpose in the world, and 2) exercise responsible freedom of speech?

In her book, The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture - A Parent’s Voice in the Network Culture, my friend and colleague, Joanna Jullien, who is a mother of two grown sons and a journalist dedicated to strengthening family relationships in a cyber-powered world, provides a compelling overview of how the Internet-powered lifestyle and other culture trends condition for us all for boundary violations. She advocates for parents to take inventory of their own thinking as authority figures in their children’s lives and leverage house rules for bonding around core values that respect the individual and hold individuals accountable for their actions.

What I like about her book is that she is advocating for parents to embrace fully the model of authority that made the republic of the United States possible - modeling their homes like “mini-republics”.  She also introduces the idea of the parent model to meet children where they are (emotionally/mentally), speak truth with mercy (explain the rules), do not judge, hold individuals accountable as we also offer our forgiveness of their transgressions, to look up and aim high and be empowered.

It is provocative and I believe she makes a good point that thought leadership for children at home is now much more important than ever. It seems like a good place to start.

For more on parenting in the Network culture please visit:

Banana Moments; Help for Parenting in the Network Culture

For more thoughtful discussions please visit:
3 Moms and a Mike Radio Show; Discuss Social Issues Affecting American Families

Future Prosperity for Youth in the Digital Age Requires More than a College Degree

There is a lot of hype and anxiety about getting kids past the hurdle of a college degree, but I have to wonder in all of our hand-wringing, haste and expense are we missing the point?

The other day as I was watching a PBS program on the pace and disruptive nature of technological advancement impacting energy, manufacturing and science fields, it became clear to me that the only thing for certain about the future is that it will not look like today.

The best evidence of this fact is that young adults are graduating from college with old expectations of what it means to gain and maintain employment as the job market is transforming. It is no longer a matter of simply applying to a position someone else created as with the economy and paradigm of the previous generation.

As a business owner and an educator of life skills training in personal finance and entrepreneurship, I observe that our present culture of education, while some excellent changes are being made to offer students options when it comes to their educational experience through personalized education programs on line and/or independent study programs,  K-12 programs are still not advanced enough to provide a curriculum that prepares our college bound students to understand how to pursue vocations that have not even been invented yet.  Education today is still focused on training them to take tests and regurgitate facts and follow directions. We seek compliance from our children. We are not encouraging them to think for themselves about their questions, interests and talents and to explore them.

So by the time they make it to college, they are not equipped to jump into the fray and flow of creative energy around the application of knowledge and technology to solve problems and make life better.

What they lack is the wisdom that comes from real experiences as creative, critical thinkers.

That being the case, we must ask ourselves how we are equipping children to capitalize on technology and emerging market trends resulting from change. And if we wait until children are in college to instill the kind of thinking required to capitalize on emerging opportunities it is very late in the game. In a competitive, global environment, our children need to be equipped early in life with the knowledge about what their interests and talents are and how to leverage them in productive and meaningful ways.

And we need to start early - in grade school. Below are some of the concepts that children can experience early and use for life.

What does it take to make change happen?

Understand the system

Learn how to work successfully within it

Then figure out how to change it

Self-awareness and knowledge

Teach kids to discern, self-sooth and self-direct.

Understand of the connection between interests and aptitude

What is your purpose in the world?

Leadership involves individual accountability and taking responsibility.

Civic leadership.

Taking care of our own situation and help others take charge of their own.  

Experiences to take initiative and be confident.

How to focus on what matters.

We need to teach kids how to research properly. They need to be focused on sustainability…find a niche and capitalize on research, interests and talents.

Just as our children need to be prepared to sail on uncharted territory, so we as parents and educators need to shed our old ideas and beliefs about the possibilities for our children’s future.

Their future is just that.  Their future.

It belongs to them and the more we tether them to old arcane education experiences and ideas, the less able and nimble they will be in responding to emerging trends and opportunities.

For more articles on Digital Age Education for Youth:

How the Leader in Me Offers Good Cyber Citizenship

For more thoughtful Discussions visit:

3 Moms and a Mike Radio, Discussions Regarding Social Issues Affecting American Families