Distracted Living; The Importance of "Mattering"

Technology replaces conversations at breakfast 

I love technology!  In business and personally having the technology of a smart phone has changed the way I communicate in some very profound ways.  My capacity to multi-task was good before the smart phone and now it is on hyper drive. And now I question whether the new found efficiency trumps real relationships.

With the smart phone, I can get triple the amount of communication work I need done responding to emails and texts, schedule appointments, answering questions, producing proposals and managing employees, while seeking directions for my next meeting, planning dinner for my family, checking in with my kids, touching base with my husband and also having the time to text some of my friends to wish them well, and catch up on what all of my 300+ friends in the nation are up to through their Facebook posts and pictures. 

Am I addicted? 

I don’t know, but just a minute I have to find my phone….where’s my phone?!?  Call it someone because I NEED it. 

How often do we find ourselves, our kids in this state?

The anxiety of not having our phones on and within reach has become commonplace.  We are constantly distracted by the need to respond to the texts, go on Facebook, check updates and earn points on Angry Bird; and this distraction is definitely changing the way we interact with each other.  

While this technology has its place, it has no place taking the place of our relationships with the important people in our lives.   

This is something that I have become acutely aware of as I often attempt to connect to my young adult teens through a face-to-face conversation and I often have try to have it with no eye-contact because they have their heads down focused on their phones.  Even when they attempt to put it down after I ask them too, they can’t keep their eyes from looking over continuously as if it is a life or death requirement to be ready to respond. For me at times, it has taken the place of conversation with my husband as I scroll through the news feed on Facebook finding ways to entertain and connect with my cyber friends.  I can think of more times while my family of four all sat at the dinner table eating and texting.  The opportunity to connect as a family was lost. 

Network-centric living can cause internal “disconnects”

It is probably clear to anyone with a smart-phone enabled family, the need to be attached to our mobile devices 24/7 makes the network the center of our daily life distracting us further from the real relationships we need to nurture and develop.  This need to always respond when our phone buzzes stands in the way of being present in the moment. 

What’s missing for many of our cyber connected kids is that while they may be able to carry on several conversations at a time while attending a concert with other friends, they are missing out on all of the nuances of body language, animation, inflections and physical contact that come with conversations you have face-to-face.  So much happens in just the tone of our voice, the look in an eye, a smile that says so much that all gets missed in texting.  So while our kids are out with us or other kids, they still choose to talk to those they aren’t even with – again missing the opportunity to connect with what’s in front of them.  They simply have not been trained to do it, and they have no idea what it looks like. 

When I jumped on the band wagon and texted my kids to talk and found out what all the fuss was about, I was surprised to find myself also filling any quiet time I had scrolling down Facebook, instead of reading, or texting my friends to check in with them, instead of calling them on the phone or meet them.  While in some cases it is easier and seemingly time efficient, it is lonely, and not nearly as satisfying as looking someone in the eye, hugging them, and focusing on what is being said and shared.  

Mindful communication outside the network

As I contemplated this dilemma, I realized that regardless of how kids connect, and how often, that isn’t going to change, but what could be different is what they say when they do connect and in that process develop deeper more meaningful ways to share, connect and talk that feeds the universal human need to “matter”.  There is only so much you can say to tell people they matter via text, or email, but there are many more ways to show them.  By discussing what these are with our kids we might have a chance to coach them into recognizing the power of being present, the warmth of eye contact, or the value of smiling as people walk by, greeting strangers with a hello or good morning, not just as a tweet, but as they walk past them in the street or stand in line for coffee. 

Encourage kids to avoid cynicism and instead inspire others with a good attitude or brighter perspective and deliver happiness.  Fuel their motivations through encouragement and hope, reassure them, and notice them.  Try not to begin your sentences with “me” or “I” but instead end or begin your positive statements with you – “I believe in you”, “You are awesome”, “I hear you”, “You rocked it”, “I understand you”, “You matter!”

And when you listen, listen with interest. 

That means put the cell phone down, turn it off or on silent and listen with your ears and your heart.   When you can focus and listen with deep interest it signifies that you really care about what someone is saying.  When you care, the questions you ask tell them they matter like “What rocked your day today?” Offer hope by being positive, use your power to lift the spirits of someone you care about by not spreading negativity – choose to bring them up instead of bring them down.  Make someone’s day --- “I think you are amazing”.  Whenever you can take the time to tell the people in your life how you feel about them and let them know they matter – “I so appreciate you.” 

Hilarious family portrait used for Christmas Card!

The language of mattering in universal, in person, in a text or even on line, it’s a great way to open the door to more meaningful connections, it requires focus and commitment and the choice to take the time to do it – whether you say it, write it, tweet it, post it or deliver the message in person.  I believe that this could be one of the most powerful ways to combat the negativity of the distractions of technology and edify the power of our intentions through our words and actions, regardless of what means they are delivered.  

If we can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, but join ‘em with purpose.

Joanna Jullien, my friend and author of Banana Moments, a web-based resource for parenting in the network culture, has observed this challenge in her fieldwork and journalism. She features the following concerns for cyber safety that address an emotional and psychological alignment problem for network-centric living:

Top cyber safety concerns (source: www.Bananamoments.com)

• General disconnect between children, parents and families
• Over-dependence upon friends and friend communities as a point of reference for life
• Pedophiles access to children
• Easy access to drugs and alcohol
• Degrading values, norms and beliefs of popular culture reinforced as truth
• Anxiety, depression, unrest

Read more about distracted living at Banana Moments. 

Distracted Living; Be Smarter Than Your Smart Phone

For more thoughtful topics that affect our families and communities tune into  3 Moms & A Mike